So I'm sure a question you've all asked your friends at some point is - which of the Star Trek captains is the best? No? Well....you should've asked them.
Anyway, here I compare the commanding officers at the heart of the five series (and a few movies) of Star Trek. Who wins? I decide.
James Tiberius Kirk
Known as: The original one
Nationality: American (but played by a Canadian)
Born: 2233
Famous Command: USS Enterprise (technicolour edition)
Assisted by: Crotchety doctor, smug alien, fake Scottish engineer, fake Russian ensign, actual Japanese pilot, vaguely African comms girl
Children: Illegitimate son killed by Klingons (leading to the misquote "You Klingon son, you killed my bastard") and probably has a string of green/blue/Tarkalian love children scattered across the cosmos.
Hair: It's beneath this site to make such references.
Uniform: Various, but famous for sporting a fetching mustard velour jersey.
Catchphrase: "We come in peace (shoot to kill)" - according to 1987s "Star Trekkin" song anyway. (see below)
Most likely to: Snog or punch you, depending on gender and amount of hazy camera effects being used on you.
Jean-Luc Picard
Known as: Professor X
Nationality: French (but played by a Brit)
Born: 2305
Famous Command: USS Enterprise (1985 lounge edition)
Assisted by: Sometimes bearded Number One, humourless Klingon, a blind engineer with an alice band, emotionless droid, Ginger Doctor, the boy from Stand by Me, and an attractive Spurs fan with a psychology a-level.
Children: None that we know of, but his relationship Dr Crusher and Wes always smacked a little of Sargeant Wilson and Mrs Pike.
Hair: Apparently, at one time. Only seen during flashbacks.
Uniform: A onesie.
Catchphrase: "Make it so...sonofabitch"
Most likely to: Negotiate with you in a patronising manner, in iambic pentameter.
Benjamin Sisko
Known as: The black one aka Denzel for TV
Nationality: American (and actually played by an American)
Born: 2332
Famous Command: Deep Space Nine
Assisted by: An O'irishman, a shape shifter who can't get the nose right, James Bond Doctor, attractive symbiotic alien, ridge-nosed alien #387 and a slightly more interesting humourless Klingon.
Children: A son, who didn't really do a lot
Hair: Initially, then it migrated from the top of his head to the bottom of his chin.
Uniform: A black jumpsuit.
Catchphrase: Something rousing and mildly prophetic, ....spoken like Martin Luther King.
Most likely to: Have a vision in which "non-corporeal" is said 89 times.
Kathryn Janeway
Known as: That lady with the funny voice
Nationality: American (played by Mrs Columbo)
Born: 2336
Famous Command: USS Voyager (a seemingly invincible, wonder ship)
Assisted by: A great, underused Holographic Doctor, a Page 3 Borg and several other inconsequencial boring crew members.
Children: None, except those smug wanker Borg children.
Hair: Yep. Lots. In various styles. One has to survive in style.
Uniform: Black jumpsuit. Undamaged during the seven years away from home.
Catchphrase: "Do it." (must have taken them ages to think that up)
Most likely to: Smirk at you, and make some baffling remark about transwarp spatial anomalies.
PHOTO: An obscure reference.
Jonathan Archer
Known as: The guy from Quantum Leap
Nationality: American (played by time-travelling Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap)
Born: 2112
Famous Command: Enterprise (the "supposed to be really early and basic, but is clearly quite advanced" editon)
Assisted by: Big-nostrilled Texan, repressed Englishman who used to work in Desmond's barbershop, dull humourless Vulcan, nice looking translator.
Children: He had a dog, Porthos. It was never mentioned who his father was.
Hair: Tidy. Military tidy.
Uniform: Blue leisure suit.
Catchphrase: "YOU DAMN VULCANS HAVE BEEN HOLDING US BACK! AGAIN!"
