So I'm sure a question you've all asked your friends at some point is - which of the Star Trek captains is the best? No? Well....you should've asked them.
 

James Tiberius Kirk

Known as: The original one

Nationality: American (but played by a Canadian)

Born: 2233

Famous Command: USS Enterprise (technicolour edition)

Assisted by: Crotchety doctor, smug alien, fake Scottish engineer, fake Russian ensign, actual Japanese pilot, vaguely African comms girl

Children: Illegitimate son killed by Klingons (leading to the misquote "You Klingon son, you killed my bastard") and probably has a string of green/blue/Tarkalian love children scattered across the cosmos.

Hair: It's beneath this site to make such references.

Uniform: Various, but famous for sporting a fetching mustard velour jersey.

Catchphrase: "We come in peace (shoot to kill)" - according to 1987s "Star Trekkin" song anyway. (see below)

Most likely to: Snog or punch you, depending on gender and amount of hazy camera effects being used on you.

Jean-Luc Picard

Known as: Professor X

Nationality: French (but played by a Brit)

Born: 2305

Famous Command: USS Enterprise (1985 lounge edition)

Assisted by: Sometimes bearded Number One, humourless Klingon, a blind engineer with an alice band, emotionless droid, Ginger Doctor, the boy from Stand by Me, and an attractive Spurs fan with a psychology a-level.

Children: None that we know of, but his relationship Dr Crusher and Wes always smacked a little of Sargeant Wilson and Mrs Pike.

Hair: Apparently, at one time. Only seen during flashbacks.

Uniform: A onesie.

Catchphrase: "Make it so...sonofabitch"

Most likely to: Negotiate with you in a patronising manner, in iambic pentameter. 

Benjamin Sisko

Known as: The black one aka Denzel for TV

Nationality: American (and actually played by an American)

Born: 2332

Famous Command: Deep Space Nine

Assisted by: An O'irishman, a shape shifter who can't get the nose right, James Bond Doctor, attractive symbiotic alien, ridge-nosed alien #387 and a slightly more interesting humourless Klingon.

Children: A son, who didn't really do a lot

Hair: Initially, then it migrated from the top of his head to the bottom of his chin.

Uniform: A black jumpsuit.

Catchphrase: Something rousing and mildly prophetic, ....spoken like Martin Luther King.

Most likely to: Have a vision in which "non-corporeal" is said 89 times.

Kathryn Janeway

Known as: That lady with the funny voice

Nationality: American (played by Mrs Columbo)

Born: 2336

Famous Command: USS Voyager (a seemingly invincible, wonder ship)

Assisted by: A great, underused Holographic Doctor, a Page 3 Borg and several other inconsequencial boring crew members.

Children: None, except those smug wanker Borg children.

Hair: Yep. Lots. In various styles. One has to survive in style.

Uniform: Black jumpsuit. Undamaged during the seven years away from home.

Catchphrase: "Do it." (must have taken them ages to think that up)

Most likely to: Smirk at you, and make some baffling remark about transwarp spatial anomalies. 

 PHOTO: An obscure reference.

Jonathan Archer

Known as: The guy from Quantum Leap

Nationality: American (played by time-travelling Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap)

Born: 2112

Famous Command: Enterprise (the "supposed to be really early and basic, but is clearly quite advanced" editon)

Assisted by: Big-nostrilled Texan, repressed Englishman who used to work in Desmond's barbershop, dull humourless Vulcan, nice looking translator.

Children: He had a dog, Porthos. It was never mentioned who his father was.

Hair: Tidy. Military tidy.

Uniform: Blue leisure suit.

Catchphrase: "YOU DAMN VULCANS HAVE BEEN HOLDING US BACK! AGAIN!"

Most likely to: Bugger off to play water polo.

In summary, Captain Sulu was the best captain.

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